I Cried at the Bar

I cried at the bar…

Showing your Humanness is Ok

Have you ever cried at the bar? Showing your humanness? It used to happen to me in University once in awhile. Usually I had drunk too much and was upset about some boy.

That’s what happened this time only I’m a grown woman in her 30s. I showed my humanness again. It’s like getting naked in front of everyone – emotionally.

A couple weeks ago, I drank a little too much at a friend’s birthday party at a bar and cried over a boy. This boy is my husband to be exact.

It’s only been 4 months since he died but it feels like both yesterday and an eternity since I talked to him and saw his face.

I’ve always liked to show my best self. To try to be positive at all times. I like people to think I’m doing ok, that I’ve got things under control. And for the most part that’s true.

On Facebook I purposefully share things that will show others I’m ok and try to be positive. Like the post about “Hold onto the Love, not the Loss.” I believe in that.

But it’s not the whole truth.

I cried at the bar. Because I miss him like crazy. Because talking about our kids and our husbands with my friends isn’t the same. I can give examples of stories of him and the kids from this summer but after that? I’m out of stories. I won’t have stories of how he handled potty training or teaching them how to ride a bike or drive a car. I can try to imagine what it would be like since I knew him so well. But I won’t know for sure. And that’s devastating.

And I’m mad. Mad and sad.

I’m mad he left me. I’m mad he left our girls. I’m mad I have to do this without him. I’m mad about all the stuff he’s going to miss. And I’m sad for all those reasons.

And it’s ok. It’s ok for me to tell you this. It’s ok to feel sad. And for me to show my humanness. It’s ok for you to show yours too.

My guru word is Honour.

I am living honour moment to moment. I will honour my true feelings and who I really am. I will honour when I’m sad, mad, happy, or whatever, when it arrives. I will honour Steve. I will honour him by remembering and sharing him.

And I want you to honour you too. I want you to honour who you really are and embrace it. There’s no time for pretending. Spend time with the people who lift you up. Do things that fill you up with joy.

Writing this post? It’s also like getting naked in front of everyone. Thanks to my friend Jocelyn for pushing me to do it. Showing my humanness again.

Am I ok? Yes and no. But that’s ok too.

Talk soon,